Having a baby: Help your older child cope

While most children will tell you that they like the idea of having a younger brother or sister, few of them actually enjoy stepping out of the family spotlight and sharing their parents' attention with this new stranger.

There are ways of minimising the stress to both the older child and you, and to turn at least some of the remaining stress into a positive experience.

Getting Ready for the sibling

Toddlers and pre-schoolers will share their true feelings about the expected baby more clearly through their behaviour than through their words. You can often help them come to terms with those feelings better through play rather than talk.

  • Encourage your child to practise caring for his favourite toy as if it were a baby – it doesn't matter whether it's a doll, a stuffed animal or even a truck.

  • Help him to understand that feeding time is also a time for loving interaction.

  • Practice nappy changing a doll together.

  • Find out whether your local hospital has special Big Brother/Big Sister classes for young siblings-to-be.

Possible negative reactions

  • Don't be surprised or upset if your child expresses anger at or rejection toward the expected or new baby. ('If she cries, we'll just throw her away!')

  • Your older child may start acting more baby-like: He may become clingy or temporarily stop being toilet-trained. Remember that when he says or does these things, he's really testing whether you're going to reject or abandon him in favour of the new baby. Give him lots of hugs, and tell him how special he is to you.

  • Have a special doll or a stuffed animal for your older child to take home with the new baby. This gives your child someone to pretend to nurture feed, change, bathe, rock and sing to while you're doing those things to the new baby. Use that new toy to show your child how to hold the new baby safely, with her head supported.

Should Your Child Be There?

Remember that the big fear that young children have during your pregnancy is that they'll be abandoned and replaced.

  • Let your child know who's going to stay with her and care for her while you give birth.

  • Talk about what the two of you will do together when you come back.

If you want her to be present during your labour and delivery, keep in mind that it can be very frightening and confusing for her. She doesn't have the perspective to know what's going on. It also can be an added stress for you and for your spouse. If you do let her be there, make sure that there's a responsible adult present who can devote full attention to your child, and who can help her leave the room and do something else if she becomes frightened or overwhelmed.

Family Relationships

Children will rightfully feel envious of all the attention that's lavished on the new baby. When you have visitors coming to see your newborn, it's a nice idea that they bring special gift for your older child. This lets the child know that she's not forgotten.

Keep in mind that most toddlers and pre-schoolers are disappointed by how little fun a newborn baby is. For months they had visualised a play-mate, and will need time to reorient themselves and lower their expectations.

Expect sibling rivalry. In the long run, it can turn into a healthy competitiveness. In the beginning, you'll probably have to help your older child express her conflicted feelings in words or through drawings, and let her know in no uncertain terms that you still love her and will take care of her.

Staying Connected

Ideally, each parent should schedule at least one or two times during the day when they can spend time alone with the older sibling. The length of time is less important than giving your child your undivided attention. This not only addresses her fears of abandonment and replacement, but makes it easier for her to tolerate those times during the day when you have to focus exclusively on the new baby.

A growing family is a fantastic experience, soon enough your children will be playing and laughing together. Enjoy these special times.

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